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 couple went to have their baby delivered... Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine. He asked if they were willing to ...
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long...
 woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, w...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at ...
Q: What is a spaceman’s favorite chocolate? A: A marsbar! Submitted by: Sarah Q: Why did the sun go to school? A: To get brighter! Submitted by: Kassandra Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat? A: When it’s full. Subm...
Spring Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims! Summer Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A: A hot dog! Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen? A: Because they peel. Fall Q. ...
Valentine’s Day Jokes     Q: Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail? A: She stole his heart. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his ...
So i was half way done wrapping ll the christmas presants and i relized damn i used the wrong wrapping papper the wrapping paper i used said happy birthday but i didnt want waste it so i just wrote jesus at the end of it
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives?" The clerk b...
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave i...
On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweeth...
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at ...
T'was the night before Christmas    All the through the house not a creature was stirring not even a fucking mouse.    Mom in the whorehouse and dad in jail, I just sat down for the end of a tale.    Then t...
On the first day of Halloween My postman brought to me, A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree. On the second day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree. On the third day of Halloween, My p...
One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the...
Why did the ghost cry? Because he had a BOO BOO. ------- What lives on the beach, rides a broom and casts spells? A Sandwitch. ------- Why do witches fly on broomsticks? Because airplanes are too big to sit on. ------- Why did the pirat...
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up the next day and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party next year. What you ...
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas n...
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"    Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.......there are all kinds of breasts...d...
the day b4 x-mass the little boy wanted to ask his father were mrs claus is in x-mass. the father told him in daddys bedroom. So that nite the little boy went into his daddys bedroom. And wat do u know he was humping mrs claus!!!!
the day b4 x-mass the little boy wanted to ask his father were mrs claus is in x-mass. the father told him in daddys bedroom. So that nite the little boy went into his daddys bedroom. And wat do u know he was humping mrs claus!!!!
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few day...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhe...
What do nigger kids get for Christmas?    Your Bike!...ha ha
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot. "It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?" "Y...
An 8-year-old kid dresses as a pirate and goes trick-or-treating.  He knocks on a door and and old grandmother comes out and says, "Oh, a pirate.  How cute!  Where are your buccaneers?" "They're right under my buck...
10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight. 8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch 6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 5. Let ...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gra...
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm thebreadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.Your Mom, she's the administrator of the hous...
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference!
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